College sex is weirder than what you’d find in a hoarder’s basement. At school everyone is having sex with everyone until inevitably the campus gets an outbreak of mononucleosis. Rutgers University Students are so filthy they have a 30% mortality rate because of STD outbreaks and shower drain malaria. Not only is this a time where you’re having sex more frequently than ever, you’re doing it in more awkward spaces. Necessity is the mother of invention and you’re gonna need to get creative on a twin-sized extra-long bed. Occasionally you’ll even have a 3 way, meaning someone is going to catch you. Sex still feels novel so you’re dropping fluids faster than your GPA once you take calculus. Although these seem fun now, you’ll never have to use these sex positions again.
The Lay and Pray: You start off doggy style, this position is where you both drop down flat and pull the covers over you. Both of you whisper to each other “I think he’s awake”. Wait 5 minutes until you get to start again because your room mate rolled on his side. This position can be repeated up to 3 times before paranoia makes you lose a boner.
The Dead Man: Lay down completely flat and don’t move, hold your breath. This is how you listen to your room mates have sex. Don’t judge yourself too much, sometimes you need to hear it since you’re not getting any. This position often leads to realizations of loneliness, passive aggressiveness towards the people you live with and occasionally shame crying.
The Froggy Style: sit on the edge of the bed and have her make a catchers stance on top of you. Doggy style is a way to have sex the length of the bed, Froggy style is for the width. Once you reach adult hood, you’ll have a full sized bed where you can have sex in all directions. North, south, yeast, and west. Until then this is a great way to break the monotony of two position sex when you have less bed space than a Chinese man in a Japanese pod hotel.
The Dead Man 2: This is where you both lay on your side back to back and regret how much you’ve drank. This position is great for avoiding contact after embarrassment. Occasionally this position is how you sleep when one partner falls asleep mid sex. Booze is a hell of a drug.
The Ninja: You say you need a Katana because you slay so much pussy, that’s historically inaccurate. The Ninja used a much shorter and quicker sword called the Shinobigatana and you should be more honest with yourself. The ninja is when someone walks by during public sex and you blend into your surroundings. Try staying inside her while you both flatten out against a wall. Jump into a dumpster and keep it going on a pile of trash. Ninja’s would do anything to accomplish the mission, so you two should be ready.
Fetal: Lay in a ball on the ground, holding your genitals is optional for a really sexy image for your partner. Drunk, public, hungover and anonymous sex can all lead to excruciating injuries. The fetal position is sexiest after an attempt at hang over sex leads to a crippling concussion from a night stand corner. Its the position you hold after that miserable attempt at wall sex broke everyone’s tail bones. The fetal position has the most uses and its easier than missionary!
Sex in college is an absolute shit show. When you graduate you’re going to look back and wonder how you managed to do all those things you did. Pray you’ll never have to use any of these positions again. Except for Fetal, that one’s great when you get your first student loan bill.
