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Background: My apartment’s on the ground floor of my building, and one of the conveniences afforded by this is a back door, in addition to the front door that goes to the hallway in the front of the building. It enters into the kitchen, and is adjacent to the bathroom and the door to my bedroom. I live in the student ghetto of a relatively quiet and safe college town. Since the semester began, there have been a string of break ins and robberies around and off campus, about two or three a week. Lots of e-mails from campus PD, warning us to lock your doors, especially at night, even if you’re at home. Usually, I’m pretty good at looking after the safety of my person and home.

Usually.

Tonight: my roommate is at the library studying, and I’m in the apartment alone, and the back door happens to be unlocked. As many of you know, sometimes, a man needs some lovin’, and the only one around to love is himself. At this point, all the lights are off in my apartment. So I starts looking at pitchers of nekkid ladies on the Internet. I starts touchin’ myself. A little bit of under-the-shorts action, you know. It’s a hot, sultry evening. All the windows closed. The heat turned up to about eighty two, so it gets hot…and sweaty. My hips thrusting up into my hand. My hand trying to get away, because it does not like it. I hear a sound at the door.

The back door opens. I assume it is my roommate, and cease thrusting, waiting for the danger to pass, blood pounding, a little of it in my ears.

I hear heavy, booted footsteps. My roommate is a 95 lb. girl. This dissonance would have registered, were the whole of my circulatory and nervous systems not concentrated on my meat baton.

My door opens. I scramble, my headphones come off, my pruned hand gratefully escapes from my shorts.

“Oh, shit, my bad bro.” I turn. It is not my roommate. It is a 6’3″ stubbley 30ish-looking dude wearing Tims and an Iron Maiden cut off T, carrying a smartphone with the flashlight on, a lit cigarette in the corner of his mouth, and look of horror on his face. What has happened now, between us, is clearly akin to scenarios that have run through the darkest corners of his mind, the corners where existential dread lurks. It is a moment of revulsion, but also sympathy, connection, perhaps even identification.

I have nothing to say. My brain doesn’t even register a fight or flight reflex. Apparently in this kind of circumstance I resort to some core of politeness, so I reply “S’all good, man”.

“I thought this was my buddy’s house,” he says, which is clearly horseshit, because a) no one under the age of 22 lives in a five block radius, and b) who the fuck enters a someone’s home in the middle of the night, through the back door, when no lights are on, with a lit cigarette in his mouth, without knocking either on the outside door or on a closed bedroom door – and not be planning on robbing the joint?

The man steps backwards, closing the door behind him. I hear the back door shut, a car start, and tires squealing down the street, all while my dick deflates in utter bewilderment. Still being close to the Full Retard stage of masturbation, and not being one for half measures, I endeavor to conclude my business as quickly as possible, but the thought that this dude would have stolen all of my shit had he not walked in on me jacking off somehow hampers my progress significantly. In hindsight, I wonder who will prove to have been more scarred by this event. I’d like to think that this was a fundamentally decent man, about to fall into a life of crime. I’d like to think that this was his first night on the job, that mine was the first home he would have successfully burgled, had he not seen what he saw and had a moment of clarity. I’d like to think my wonton self-abuse has set a wayward stranger on the righteous path. For all those reading, please, pay it forward.

tl;dr: Left door unlocked. Would be bugler walked in on a onesome. Situation resolved as cordially as possible, given circumstances.

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SHUTTERSTOCK

The dedicated animal-lover had stripped down to his underwear and stuck a torch in his mouth to illuminate the dogs, who were heard wailing for help down the tube.

The man, believed to be a member of the Thai navy, climbed more than 100m down the tube to save the puppies, who were washed in after heavy rain.
“I almost died,” he told Sanook News.

CORPUS CHRISTI PD

He told officers how he initially tried to kill Mrs Hill with the electric cord from a games console, the Corpus Christi Caller reports.

But when his attempt failed, he retrieved a hammer before striking his mother around 20 times.

Asked what happened next, Davis said: “I had sexual intercourse. Guess I lost my virginity to a dead corpse.”

“I’m not mentally disturbed. I’m sane. I know what I did,” he said during the interview.

He described his perfect fantasy as dressing in a suit, decapitating a girl and putting her in a dress before having sex with her corpse.

“It would be a night to remember,” Davis said.

Asked why he killed his mother, Davis said he was bored with life and didn’t like people.

FOX 10 TV

Rick Taylor, executive director of the Hattiesburg Convention Commission, which oversees zoo operations, said six individuals were involved, and Nottis has been charged with grand larceny. More charges could be filed as the investigation continues.

According to a Hattiesburg Police Department news release, officers learned students were on a scavenger hunt, but Nottis took a Chilean Flamingo instead of taking a picture of the animal.

The university suspended the fraternity following Nottis’ arrest.

According to the release, the chapter has been ordered to cease and desist all activities until further notice by the university. In addition, the national office of the fraternity has placed the chapter on administrative suspension, requiring that it cease operations for 30 days while executive officers determine its future.

The female Chilean flamingo was taken from the zoo early Tuesday, and was found injured later that morning. The bird had to be euthanized due to the extent of its injuries.

A second flamingo since has died. It was the mate of the stolen flamingo, Taylor said. It was found dead in the holding area this morning with scrapes on its body.

A necropsy was performed and gross internal injuries were discovered.

“We think the male attempted to defend his mate and was injured,” Rick Taylor said.